Setting Limits with the ACT Method
Setting Limits with the ACT Method
It is important for children to have limits set as they are exploring the world and understanding boundaries. It is also important when wanting to change, reduce, or eliminate certain behaviors. With limits, we teach our children about rules, boundaries, responsibility and self-control.
The ACT method is 3 easy-to-follow steps in setting limits in a way that children will understand. This method was developed by Dr. Gary Landreth who founded the Center for Play Therapy.
The three steps are acknowledge, communicate the limit, and target acceptable alternatives.
Step 1: Acknowledge the feeling
The very first thing you want to do is identify and reflect your child’s feelings. This is an important first step to show your child that you are supporting them and their emotions regardless of the undesirable behavior.
Examples:
“I can see that you are angry right now”
“I know that you want ice cream right now. You are hungry and love ice cream”
Check out this feel wheel to explore and expand feeling words:
Step 2: Communicate the limit
After reflecting your child’s emotions, let them know that what they are doing is not okay. Stay as calm as you can and clearly state the behavior being unacceptable. Use neutral statements like “this is not for that”. This statement can reduce the emphasis on fault or blame.
Examples:
“I am not for hitting”
“It is almost time for dinner; ice cream is for after dinner”
Step 3: Target acceptable alternatives
With the feeling you reflected, brainstorm healthy alternative behaviors. Offer 2-3 choices of healthy expression of that emotion. Always give your child options. Choices allow your child to feel control over the situation and they learn responsibility and problem-solving. Do not phrase the options as questions. Questions leave the opportunity for the child to say no.
Examples:
“You can decide to hit the pillow or rip up this magazine”
“You can choose to eat a few apple slices or you can help me set up the table for dinner”
Let’s put all these examples together:
“I can see that you are angry right now. I am not for hitting. You can decide to hit the pillow or rip up this magazine.”
“I know you want ice cream right now. You are hungry and love ice cream. It is almost time for dinner; ice cream is for after dinner. You can choose to eat a few apple slices or you can help me set up the table for dinner.”
But Rebecca, what if this behavior continues? What do I do!
If this behavior or situation continues to occur after following these three steps, next, add a consequence. Providing a choice in the consequence is important in this step.
“If you choose to [insert unwanted behavior], then you are choosing to [insert consequence]. If you choose to [insert desired behavior], then you are choosing to [insert reward]. Which do you choose?”
Examples:
“If you choose to hit me again, then you are choosing to go to your room. If you choose to be gentle, then you choose to get to stay on my lap. Which do you choose?”
“If you choose to whine about ice cream, then you are choosing to not have any ice cream after dinner. If you choose to wait patiently and eat your dinner, then you choose to have a cookie later. Which do you choose?”
Limit setting is so much easier said than done. It takes practice and patience with yourself and with your child. With time, you will begin to see a difference in your child’s behavior.
Need more information or would like a place to process this with a counselor? Book a session with Rebecca today!